Let’s be clear: I don’t fault Ms. Dutton for her feelings about her children. Children are not for everyone. I don’t feel sad or otherwise bothered that some people look at children as nothing more than work. I expect she will get a lot of criticism for not having the ‘normal’ motherly feelings, whatever that means, but when I read it again, I realized it really had nothing to do with her children.

From the Daily Mail: “I cannot understand mothers who insist they want children – especially those who undergo years of fertility treatment – then race back to work at the earliest opportunity after giving birth, leaving the vital job of caring for them to strangers.

Why have them at all if you don’t want to bring them up, or can’t afford to? And why pretend you wanted them if you have no intention of raising them? This hypocrisy is, in my view, far more pernicious and difficult to fathom than my own admission that my life would have been better without children.”

She’s bore her cross for 33 years and now, in public fashion, set her regrets at the feet of her children. Let’s be clear again: She made the choice to have children and did it for reasons she now regrets. Rather than stand her ground, she gave in and now regrets that decision and puts the regret she feels over her youthfully poor decision-making on her children. She knew the outcome going in and now is saying to the world “look at me – look at the cross I bore and how dutifully I bore it,” as though it is a surprise.

It’s simple for me. I think it didn’t need to be said and the fact that she has said it shows the true reason for the article: garner sympathy. I go back to what I said in the beginning: not everyone likes kids, which is well known, but Ms. Dutton went out of her way to list the sadness in her life and puts the onus on not her decision-making skills, but her children. A magical shift of blame.

Although not evident, I am sure there are ramifications that do present themselves or will present themselves in some future after she is gone. Those close to her children will most likely agree they are well adjusted, but always add the classic “but…”.

I decided to write about this since I was given a terrific gift by my parents that took years for me to recognize and is the opposite of how Ms. Dutton raised her children. My parents never gave me their own regrets and dreams. I never needed to follow in their footsteps or try to make right something where they felt wronged. It seems small, but it has provided me the freedom to be whoever I want to be.

They have their battles and I have mine.

Rather than take her kids to a protest and have them hold signs, Ms. Dutton made her kids the signs. In both case, children aren’t willfully protesting, they are being used as agents of protest by the very people that should be protecting — and it is disheartening.

Ms. Dutton – you don’t have my sympathy. I learned how to deal with my own issues without blaming or casting regrets on others a long time ago. I just hope your kids don’t spend their lives trying to fix something that you broke and refuse to fix yourself.

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And so, in our extended attempt for a second we found ourselves in front of a fertility doctor who explained to us that we were no longer in our peak childbearing years. Definitely closer to a long-shot than a shoe-in. As a side note, I have to admit an immediate comfort level with the doctor due to his resemblance to Harold Ramis — particularly in his role as Dr. Egon Spengler. Thinking of Spengler telling Venkman to not cross the streams made even bad news seem okay.

I learned something valuable in the physical process (we’ll leave the emotional process out for now). As males, we serve one purpose and one purpose only: Seeding. Sounds horrible, but it’s the truth. My wife on the other hand was on a strict regimen of shots and pills. I swear each was bigger than the next. Me? Well, I dated a sterile specimen cup for a while.

Then something funny happened. We got pregnant. On our own, as we took a month off from the pills, shots, schedules, and specimen cups. The result of a simple ‘why not try anyway?’.

Going back to my opening comment about hope. I simply offer this to anyone going through a round of IUI or IVF — whether it be their first or tenth — do what you think is right, but don’t give up up just because it didn’t work the first time or the fifth time. I don’t know what kept us from getting pregnant and I don’t know what changed for us when we finally did, but I know had we not tried, we would have never succeeded.

Not everyone will be as lucky as us. If the doctor told us that there was too much against us, I might have pushed to try naturally a few more times before exploring other options, but until then, it never occurred to me to stop.

But, if you are in the middle of it all and thinking it might not happen — keep your head up, a surprise might be just around the corner.

I am not overly picky about the books we read before my son goes to bed. If they are educational, great, but the winners for me are the books that excite my son. If he is engaged and loves the book, then it is a winner. There are so many options out there, that a recommendation goes a long way.

And if I like reading it? Well, there’s grand slam.

Dinotrux  by Chris Gall was a gift my son was very happy to receive from his aunt. The short: Dinosaurs that are Trucks. Need I say more? Oh yeah, pretty good story line and cool art along with some light humor.

In fact, my son was so excited that when he saw his cousin with Revenge of the Dinotrux, he begged us to get it for him. The look on his face when we gave it to him got me equally excited. It’s a different story, but again, Dinosaurs as Trucks.

Both of these books are grand slams.

Now, back to figuring out what Tyrannosaurus Trux will be doing next…

It is important to level set. The current gun control debate is not about making our nation safer or about protecting our children — it is simply about gun control. It is a well known communication issue seen in countless households across America — an argument that starts about why one spouse didn’t clean the dishes in the sink but ends as a tirade about an unresolved issue that has festered for twenty years. The catalyst here being the tragedy in Newtown, CT. Even the media and anti-gun supporters don’t hide the fact they are exploiting a nationwide opportunity.

To be clear: simple gun control will not keep this from happening again, nor will it reduce the odds. And that’s the issue. We can’t think that gun control, in any form, will be the nice, singular solution with the pretty bow. The truth is, no matter what we do, we will most likely never be able to stop this from happening again. It frightens me to the core, but I am realistic to realize that 7 billion people offer a lot of permutations.

If the inability to control our waistlines is any indicator, we as Americans want a solution that will make us all feel better and not require a lot of any effort. In other words, we are too lazy to do what is really needed. The knee jerk answer of gun control will allow most of the country to move on. Until that is, it happens again. We seek to blame and move on rather than understand and fix, because that is the toughest part — recognizing we all need to change — not “they” or “them” but “we” and “us”.

I grew up in the era of Mortal Kombat video games and Terminator movies. I grew up around guns – and a lot of them. I grew up with kids that were around guns. I have hunted. I have never killed anyone nor thought about it – not even for a moment. I also grew up in a loving family. Cause? Correlation? I have no idea, but I know the answer goes well beyond my access to guns.

In his speech today outlining new gun control measures, President Obama noted: “the only way we can change is if the American people demand it.”

I disagree.

The only way we can change is if the American people CHANGE.

It will be hard — no doubt about it. We need to change the way we think and act and that isn’t something that comes easy to any of us. And sure, there need to be some tweaks to laws to assist, but we can’t take such a single minded and short sighted approach as throwing our hands in the air at the White House and saying “save us”. We can’t go on thinking “road rage” in front of our children is not a big deal or something is off the table because a fear of not being P.C.

I might not always get it right myself, but I will try. For the times I fail, I will know I have failed.

How do you feel?

Huh. This was something I quickly recognized that I do in fact do, but never really thought about it until then. The culprit? As with all things in a man’s life: Mom. I have mentioned in my multiple posts related to childhood obesity, I was a fat kid. Not heavy. Not chunky. Not overweight. Fat. Of course I don’t truly blame my family for this, but I can see where confusion starts.

Growing up, my mom felt that we would fill up on water or milk during our meals and to counter that would not let my brother or I drink during our meals. Fast forward 20 or so years and you have a guy guzzling water after a meal like he just ran across the desert. Her goal? Make sure we ate our meals. As we battle with our son now to sit down and eat his, I realized that this is like the mixed message I brought up here where children are told to be comfortable in their own skin even if they are obese but that they shouldn’t be obese since it is deadly. Now we are saying “eat! eat! eat!” and later saying “stop! stop! stop!”.

In this case, we pound into our children “eat your dinner” and focus on getting them to eat before they go off and play — then later in life tell them that they are eating too much. I am not a psychologist, but I have to imagine this brings about a bit of internal conflict and confusion just like my tendency to not drink with a meal (in the many years since she showed me that, I have since introduced water throughout the meal as a great way to portion control). I even caught myself trying to get our son to eat his peanut butter and jelly even though he had eaten nearly half a cucumber and wanted more. It was my reflex to have him “eat his dinner.”

My mom didn’t have the internet growing up, so it was most likely simple advice from our family doctor that food was important for a growing boy. Even now, nutrition is a passing conversation with the pediatrician. We aren’t the best or ultimately any good at nutrition with our son, but we know it is critical and hope you think the same. At the very least, I hope this is food for thought. You can get more information from ChooseMyPlate.gov and BabyCenter.com — but as we all know, the plan goes to poop when you are too tired to fight and too tired to cook.

Happy dinnering!

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The more I read and the more teachers I speak with, the worse I feel. Parents are frustrated with teachers and administrators; teachers are frustrated with parents and administrators. Taxpayers are frustrated with increasing taxes.

I picked up a copy of Philadelphia Magazine at the grocery store last night since the cover story was about the best local high schools in Philadelphia and the surrounding area. After browsing the list and not feeling great about the high school our son will attend if we go public, I read the article “Where All the Children Are Above Average“. Oof. Charissa Stone doesn’t have a lot of supporters based on a sampling of the comment section, but I think the issue must be explored.

Sandy Hingston, the author, unfortunately spent the time of the article focusing on the blade of grass rather than the lawn. I would have liked to see the exploration of the larger issue at hand and how we can fix a broken education system. We might not walk away with the answer, but the discussion itself moves us in the right direction.

When I was in school, the cookie cutter approach was the way to teach. A few kids had to meet with specialists (limited to math, speech and reading) but that was about it. Now, more and more kids are requiring individual plans. The United States Department of Education puts the average class size at 20. Common sense would bring the question — how is it possible to independently teach every child based on their specific learning needs? 20 minutes per child would use up almost an entire 8 hour workday. If the blanket approach and individual approaches don’t work — or are simply not sustainable, where is the middle ground?

‘We have a s­pecial-ed child, and educating our child costs $250,000 a year. So you’ll have to include that in your budget.’ – from “Where All the Children Are Above Average” in Philadelphia Magazine

The ideal answer is what we have become accustomed to with the expansion of the internet– personalized results. Son needs two hours of tutoring? Done. Daughter needs a speech therapist? Done. Now, on to the funding part. Right now the average spend per pupil in the United States is $10,930 and increasing yearly. Layer on the fact we need to fund this at a time when education is in line for some severe funding cuts, makes this an arduous task. Clearly, having parents tell a district that it will cost $250,000 a year to educate their child is not reasonable and neither is ignoring the needs of educating our children (special or otherwise).

I don’t have the answer, but I do know we need to level set first, then move on to solution. Part of level setting will require being honest with ourselves and putting a number on what is a reasonable and fair cost when it comes to the responsibility of public education. Yes, the value of educating my child is priceless just like life itself, but where is the line between the financial responsibility of the state and my own responsibility? If we don’t draw a line somewhere, we will never move forward and our rudderless education system will eventually play out with catastrophic consequences on the global scale.

Now, where did I put that enrollment form?

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In a world of article scanners (as opposed to reading), I am concerned that the article will be misinterpreted. The Journal of the American Medical Association found that BPA has a possible correlation to obesity — but there is no explanation for it and whether or not it is a cause. They DO NOT say that BPA causes obesity. I fear the main takeaway will be that if I stop using products with BPA, then my child won’t be fat. Done and done.

Whew! That’s good, because I was worried that education, a sensible diet, and exercise would be needed.

I don’t fault the Journal of the American Medical Association or the media outlets for picking it up. If you are a parent, then you have most likely come across BPA and want to know as much about it as you can. My concern is that it will fall into the grand telephone game that is communication and the enduring message will be the one that JAMA tries not to make.

We have to be honest with ourselves. We are fat people getting fatter and we are killing our kids. Our diets are so poor that weight loss pills are seen as a magic bullet. Do we really think our children will fare better than us when the best education comes from example and our example involves a lethal mix of calories and fat?

And this isn’t just about weight. Thin does not equal healthy just like overweight doesn’t equal unhealthy. It is about making healthy choices. It doesn’t mean a life of restriction — just one based on balance. I find maintaining a weight far more difficult than losing or gaining, but I also find that all the small changes we have made in our diet have made it much easier.

The Mayo Clinic does a quick overview of over the counter weight-loss pill effectiveness. They even cover prescription weight-loss pills, ear stapling for weight loss, apple cider vinegar for weight loss, and a host of other mythical magic bullets.

I think they sum it up best:

The reality is that there’s no magic bullet for losing weight. The most effective way to lose weight and keep it off is through lifestyle changes: Eat healthy, low-calorie foods, watch portion sizes and be physically active. It’s not magic, but it works. – Mayo Clinic

I am shocked.

If you have a subscription, the full study can be found at the Journal of the American Medical Association.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What does this mean? In short, that we are neglecting our family obligations for the sake of someone (or someone’s ‘advice’) that is not personally invested in us. At the base and societal levels, the impact of being an absent parent will far outweigh the impact of a missed deadline (which can be arbitrary to begin with). Alas, I no longer believe that altruism is common– I think it exists — but not as prevalent as I once did.

A recent family v. job debate sprung up in the wake of the Little League World Series where Billie Ann Tomei lost her job to support her family (son is a player and husband is a coach — so a true family affair). Make sure to read the whole piece.

I offer no judgement on the situation. There are too many factors for any view of who was in the right and who was in the wrong — if anyone. Ms. Tomei knew the consequence and took the leap — can’t fault her and I can’t fault the CPA. I thought the CPA would be the only one vilified here (which he shouldn’t be based on the information provided), but I do see a fair amount of comments that feel Ms. Tomei was in the wrong. One comment went as far to say it was bad parenting by setting a bad example. In any case, you don’t have to disagree with one side to agree with the other.

I would have done the same thing as Ms. Tomei. Sure, a Little League baseball game is not life and death. It isn’t life threatening. It isn’t even putting anyone remotely at risk. But, it also isn’t about that. If life and death situations are the only time to be with your family, then parenting in America might be in for some down times.

What will you remember — the time your son and husband were in the Little League World Series — or that time your boss was out and you were at work? Cliche I know, but true and a cliche we can’t forget. Sometimes we hear it so much that we might say it without truly understanding it. And it isn’t about memories but showing our children how to be good parents themselves. Also, why is foregoing the responsibility to family easier reconciled than responsibility to work? I think the answer might be in who does the reconciling (and the subsequent WIIFM answers for said reconciler).

All is not lost. Time spent on childcare has been increasing since the 1990s and it will be some time before we understand the impact. Time at work has also increased with the only losers being chores and free time. All in all, it looks like we might not being giving simple lip service to making sure we keep life in the work-life balance.

What would you do?

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But some days I do feel like a lemming (even though it is a bit of a misconception).

As workers, we live in a self correcting eco-system. Layer after layer of management keep the layer below in check. You look up and say “wow, someday” — thinking that the $500k per year job puts you in the major leagues of the world — and you work within the parameters to get there. The only problem — that $500k C-leveler is still answering to someone. Considering there are 1,153 billionaires on the planet and 400 billionaires in the United States — I would call $500k upper-middle class in the grand scheme of economic striations.

How does this fit with parenting?

In trying to find the best work-life balance, we might be holding ourselves back. We put our noses to the grindstone and sacrifice family time for work time because we are sometimes required to and other times we just think we should do it — with only a few at the very apex of society truly gaining. We are scrambling all over ourselves thinking the other person is so different from us that they are not a person. The perfect self managed, self contained rate race. We strive for better when better only means more things. Not a better life – just more things. So down with the elites? Stop working? Revolt?!?

Not so fast.

If we didn’t have the rungs and the “top” — what would we seek? Where might we all be had the titans of industry not invented progressive works? And needed workers along the way? Where would we be without organizations like the Gates Foundation? We can fault Bill for being rich, but he has given back more in a day than I might earn in a lifetime.

If we can’t tear down the whole system without destroying progress, how do we balance it all?

In MediaPost article ‘So Much Stress: But Are We Our Own Worst Enemy?‘, Holly Pavlika, executive creative director at Big Fuel, points out that one of the biggest stresses was the inability to say no to friends and colleagues. Self inflicted stress at its best. On the way in to work this morning I heard a radio ad that included a woman listing why she was so busy — with one of the items being that she had to walk two dogs. Sorry, but again, self inflicted.

It comes down to focus. With the rise of the internet and social media, there is so much more at our fingertips in what we can do. Strip out the needs from the wants and build up rather than start with what’s available and cut down. Stop blaming and tearing others down. If you want to be a billionaire or a surfer or a couch potato, focus and rise up (or out as it were).

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This got me thinking.

As each generation does economically better than the last, are we creating the perceived bar of expectation for the most basic standard of living so high that the only way to get it is for everyone to be independently wealthy from birth? Are our life goals aligned with the college we choose?

One of the things that struck me as my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I settled into our new apartment was how much we didn’t have, particularly by way of tools. Growing up on a family farm, there were tools for almost every function, accumulated over decades between my grandparents and parents. Now, I had a hammer and screwdriver (in the bag of tools my dad put together for me for my first car).

Was my first thought to go out and build the same vast library of tools and bankrupt myself in the process? No. Did I feel like I somehow deserved them? No.

I got it. I was starting out and needed to borrow tools and slowly build my own set. My “savings” was in borrowing. My parents, friends and neighbors had the tools and I could use them freely. I didn’t need to buy them.

I fear that those graduating college have not been disillusioned by the government or the schools or those providing student loans. They have disillusioned themselves by not realizing that their parents took years to build what they were born into. The house, two car garage and all the accouterments being the culmination of a life of hard work.

On top of it, have we convinced college graduates that it isn’t worth trying? News story after news story beats the drum of exorbitant higher education costs and woeful stories of unemployment. Tell a pig that he is a dog long enough and you might find yourself with a barking pig.

As I watch Josh note that he is worried about his ability to travel due to student loan debt and Shannon feeling an urgent need to find a job after graduation due to her looming student loan debt, I can’t help but think about what their expectations were? Loans or not, isn’t the idea to get a job out of college?

To Josh’s credit — he payed it off and can now do what he want and Shannon is aware of what she needs to do. Although it does make it seem like all debt is bad…

The reality is that we want it all now. We want in an instant what our parents took years to build. We want the best education (at least on paper) regardless of the cost and regardless of what we end up doing with that education. Somewhere along the way we forgot that it takes work or an inheritance to have the things we want (notice I didn’t say need…).

This is not sustainable and partially our own fault. Maybe it’s time to start keeping score at those tee ball games and bringing back Tom & Jerry cartoons. This isn’t a call to say that we need to realize that mediocrity will be our greatest accomplishment but rather time, work and or/luck can bring great things.

The world keeps score and we need to learn how to hit.

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